Earnest Words

New Bible Translation: the New Heresy Edition

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Have you ever been confused by a particular passage of the Bible? Or wondered if the “obvious” interpretation is the correct one? Have you ever had your individuality, your style, your way of life, your something-else-that-is-really-important-to-you-but-probably-not-that-important-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things, criticized by someone who “just” “doesn’t” “get” “it” – and by an author or a pastor who is just out of touch?

No? Do criticisms bounce off your self-assurance, your knowledge barrier, your superior intelligence, intellect, and ego?

Than (sic) have we got the Bible for you!

EarnestWords is proud to announce a new project product: the Bible, New Heresy Edition.

Of course, “heresy” is just a churchy word for “thinking “differently.” But guess who else thought differently? Well, yeah, Nahab and Abihu. But, also: Yeah. Jesus.

The New “Heresy” Study Edition of the New International Version cuts through the blather of centuries to deliver an alternative reading (or multiple alternative readings) of the Grand Old Book – with cutting commentary to allow you to challenge your secular friends and your church friends with time-ish truths.  Here’s just a sampling of the great ‘retranslations’ you can hope to read in the NHE:

New Heresy Edition Retranslations

John 3:16-18

16For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 16For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, the first created being, that whoever believes shall not perish but have eternal life.
17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through him.
18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. 18Whoever does not believe in him is okay, as long as they believe in something – and nihilism counts as belief. God’s one and only son – the first creation.

Commentary on John 3:16-18:

These verses are now more palatable to a modern, pluralistic society; we’ve also thrown a bone to our apologetically-inclined friends. We also tried to make Jesus Christ’s relationship to the Father much clearer than the metaphorical ambiguity of “begotten” and “one and only” used in “the Original Greek.”

I have tried to read “the Original Greek.” I have no idea what it means, but it looks like this:

οὕτως γὰρ ἠγάπησεν ὁ θεὸς τὸν κόσμον, ὥστε τὸν υἱὸν τὸν μονογενῆ ἔδωκεν ἵνα πᾶς ὁ πιστεύων εἰς αὐτὸν μὴ ἀπόληται ἀλλ’ ἔχῃ ζωὴν αἰώνιον.

What does that even mean? I will try to steer clear of “the Original Greek” as much as possible. Also, I don’t even know Greek – and have no intention of learning Greek. Why would I need to learn it, anyway? Jesus spoke English.

James 1:2-7

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 2Consider it joy, people, whenever you face any trials at all
3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 3because trials are always good and they show that you have faith.
4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 4And it’s really important to have faith –
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 5AND HAVE IT ALL THE TIME.
6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 6IF YOU DOUBT AT ALL, YOU NEED TO GO PRAY AND IF YOU PRAY POORLY:
7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 7 “NO WISDOM FOR YOU! THREE DAYS! ”

Commentary on James 1:2-7

As Jesus said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” James was also, apparently, a Seinfeld fan!

James added in tons of unnecessary words to this last set of verses, when the obvious message is that you are never to ever doubt anything at all. And if you doubt, you need to pray. If you keep on doubting, pray better.

All that stuff about “letting perseverance finish its work” and God giving wisdom to those who are suffering trials doubting, if they ask for it — that’s kind of complicated and a little difficult. I mean, am I supposed to believe that the people who follow every passing fad can expect to receive anything from the Lord? Of course they can expect to receive anything they want – as long as they believe it hard enough!

(That’s a cross-reference to 4 John 526:4328, a bonus book included in this version of the NHE for only $1,000,000).

Stay tuned as we show you what the Bible might really mean – because no one can no for sure!


4 responses to “New Bible Translation: the New Heresy Edition”

  1. jonathan Avatar

    “that whoever believes shall not perish but have eternal life.”
    -im sorry sir, but being an authority on alternative versions of the text, i believe the NHE should have translated the passage as “that whoever prays the sinner’s prayer and really meant it, shall not perish but have eternal life.”

    have you read Romans 9 NHE? one of my favorites. 🙂
    Romans 9:10-13
    “Not only that, but Rebekah’s children were conceived at the same time by our father Isaac. Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad– in order that man’s choice might stand: by works and effort–she was told “The lazy older will serve the bright, witty younger.” Just as it is written: “Jacob I loved, and Esau I also loved–because of John 3:16.” (NHE)

    and another one, Romans 9:16
    “It does not, therefore, depend on God’s purpose and grace, but on man’s choice.” (NHE)

    now excuse me… i have to go put on my sackcloth and ashes…. T.T

  2. Spagett Avatar

    Please add “.nhe td {padding:15px;}

  3. John Avatar

    @jonathan: such truth. thanks for your contributions. The sinners prayer is actually included (in sanitized form, of course) in the NHE.

    @ Spagett: Do you have a copy of the source text for padding 15? I seem to have misplaced it.

  4. TheHTMLCoders Avatar

    just wanted to write thank you 🙂 loved your article.

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