Groupon. STAHP.

groupon. stahp.

I signed up for Groupon about a year ago, because they offered a round of golf at a mediocre golf course for a mediocre price. In the year since, I have been besieged by Groupon emails for products that I will never buy.

I have only opened these Groupon emails on accident — or out of the fascinated horror that overcomes one when one realizes that one has been contacted by another human being who thought that what a 25-30 year old male living in San Diego, California would buy was a Groupon Getaway to San Diego | Yosemite National Park | Los Cabos | Fullerton, CA | Honduras. Not only that, but this person (or algorithm, to be fair)  wanted me to wash down my random vacation plans with: 42% off Rosetta Stone Language Course, Garmin Geocaching Bundle, Petnax Digital Camera … and Nail Services.

So, I can get my nails did, learn how to speak Spanish, and take a picture of the bobby pins that someone hid deep inside the Cal State Fullerton bowling alley.

Once I finished marveling at Groupon’s frighteningly accurate grasp of my travel and vacation plans, I thought: does Groupon think I am made of money?

The mani-pedi? $20 (a $40 value). Rosetta Stone? $259 (42% off $449). Garmin eTrex 10 Geocaching Bundle? $95 (21% off $120). Pentax WG-2 16MP Waterproof Digital Camera? $189 (37% off $300). The ellipses? Priceless.

(Just kidding. Total cost of the other items detailed in Groupon’s “42% off” email? $445.)

That’s $1008 for 500,000% off such valuable items as Netgear Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter ($10).

The travel deals are even more ridiculous: that San Diego | Yosemite | Fullerton travel deal email thing? $4,000 to take advantage of all the discounts on 29 days of vacation (not including food, airfare, or activities at the HoJo in Fullerton).

I wish I had the time and inclination to make a spreadsheet that compiled all Groupon’s ridiculous deals and offers from the last year but I do not. So I’ll make something up and put some math behind it.

If the prices above are any indication, Groupon expects me to want to spend around $1000 every 2 days on crap and services and $4000 every week on month-long travel plans. That’s …

$208,000 on travel and $182,500 on crap and services and stuff. $400,000 spent at Groupon every year.

know that Groupon doesn’t intend for me, personally, to buy all this stuff. But that’s still a ridiculous amount of crap for them to send my way. Let me put it in perspective: Groupon wants me to spend more money than the total value of house, every year, on crap and entertainment that I don’t need and have not expressed any interest in.

Groupon. Take a chill pill. Just send me a crappy golf deal once a year or so. I probably won’t buy it but I will feel better about thinking about buying it. And isn’t that what you want?

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